All The World's Evils
by Curiosity Kitten
Summary: Work in progress. An old sketch causes Aragorn to recount a tale of his childhood to his thirteen-year-old son. WARNING: Perv comedy
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof  
  
WARNING: This story is composed entirely of comedies of sexuality and betting. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read further.  
  
***  
  
"Father?"  
  
Elessar looked up to see his son standing before him, twitching a bit. He asked the natural question of, "What have you done, Dari?"  
  
Eldarion shook his head. "I wasn't breaking any rules this time," he said, "but Mother was going through some of your old things, and I found, um, well, this picture, and it looks as though, um, well, I don't mean to be fresh with you but it looks as though you are, well, um, you appear to be, uh, mounting Uncle Legolas."  
  
Elessar's eyes widened. "What?" He grabbed the proffered parchment and looked at it, then fell back into his chair laughing. Once he had recovered, he looked sternly at his son. "If one word of this reaches anyone, you are in very big trouble, young man."  
  
"Yes, Father." Eldarion bit his cheeks. It had been a very funny drawing, with Elessar, his eyes wider than physically possible, sitting on the lap of a comically over-endowed Legolas.  
  
"Not a word," Elessar repeated.  
  
Blinking innocently, Eldarion promised, "Of course, Father. Why, it would be scandalous."  
  
"What ever happened to not being fresh?"  
  
"I would never!"  
  
"Eldarion, I love you, but you are a terrible actor. Go and see if your mother needs your...assistance...and remember that you are not to breathe a word of this to anyone--not even Legolas."  
  
"Of course, Father," Eldarion answered, doe-eyed. He opened the door, then turned back and said, "I understand that this matter is completely...private." Eldarion did nothing to stop the wandering of his eye; in fact, he even winked and grinned. Then he dashed into the corridor and closed the door behind him. The sound of something heavy hitting the door followed him closely.  
  
In the hall, Eldarion laughed as quietly as possible. He laughed until his gut hurt, then he lean against the wall for support and laughed some more. His face turned red and he loosened the laces of his tunic to breathe easier. Eldarion slid down along the wall until he was sitting on the floor laughing like a maniac. He clutched his stomach as tears slid down his face.  
  
"You're going to wet yourself if you laugh much harder."  
  
This comment only sent Eldarion deeper into his fit of laughs. Desperately the prince fought to control himself. When at last he raised his eyes, he met the blue gaze of the Prince of Ithilien. "My Lord Faramir," Eldarion said, as though the two were bowing to each other. Faramir had lowered himself into a squat to be level with Eldarion.  
  
"I pray you, Prince Eldarion, share with me this great joke of yours."  
  
Eldarion opened his mouth to answer, then bit his tongue. "My apologies, I am not at such liberty."  
  
"Hm. Fair enough." Faramir stood, then offered a hand to Eldarion, who stood on shaking legs. "I come in search of your father, is he in?"  
  
Eldarion replied, "Yes, he is. Though in what, exactly, I cannot say." He giggled.  
  
"Eldarion. Is your father in his study, or is he not?" Faramir was not in the best of tempers and Eldarion's confusing behaviour did not improve this at all.  
  
"Oh, his study! Yes, yes, he is in his study. Be careful he isn't banging something against the walls when you enter."  
  
"That is hardly the speech of a prince!" Faramir scolded.  
  
Doe-eyed again, Eldarion said, "I only meant that he is in a most foul of tempers and is throwing things about. Be wary of foul ejaculations in that study."  
  
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Faramir answered.  
  
"He does speak in his anger, my lord!" Eldarion said innocently.  
  
Faramir raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Don't use that angry cock on me, I've done nothing wrong!"  
  
Faramir laughed bitterly. "If you were my son, I would have you wash your mouth out with soap."  
  
Eldarion, ever the innocent, said, "Well, don't put ideas like that by my father. He is willing to try anything!" He turned and ran before Faramir puzzled that one out.  
  
*****  
  
Eldarion glanced at his father that night at supper and forced a cough to cover up his laugh. This would have been a most inopportune moment for Eldarion to make some sort of comment, being as he was in the great company of not only his mother and father but the Prince of Ithilien, the King of Rohan, Lady Eowyn and the Prince of Mirkwood. To keep his mind clean, Eldarion asked Legolas to please pass the plate of rolls, and when Legolas referred to them as "buns" Eldarion held his breath to keep from laughing. "Thank you," he managed to squeak in a very high voice.  
  
"Would you like to be excused, Eldarion?" Elessar asked him sharply.  
  
"Estel, do not be so angry with him, it was my own fault," Legolas said. "Be fair to him."  
  
Eldarion couldn't help. "Well he's never as fair as you are, Uncle," he snickered.  
  
"Dari!"  
  
"Sorry, Father." Eldarion concentrated very hard on his plate. He did not bother acting innocent and pulling doe-eyes. It was not until later that night, when enough wine had been poured that the adults were not-quite- sober, that Arwen, of all people, turned the tide of conversation to the past.  
  
"Estel," she said, "I was cleaning out some of your old things today, and I came across the most comical drawings! One of them has gone missing, but this was my favourite." She handed him an old bit of parchment, which caused him to blush, but he could not admonish her as he might Eldarion.  
  
To make matter worse, Lady Eowyn saw the comic and said, "That looks just like you and..." Then she fell silent, but her wide eyes dart between Legolas and Elessar until at last Elessar folded and passed the parchment round.  
  
"We may as well tell the story," he said. "It's good for laughs. It started innocently enough--"  
  
Arwen interrupted him. "No it didn't. Tell the story properly. It started with the four of you acting like immature little boys."  
  
"All right, so it started with the four of us acting like immature little boys," Elessar consented. "Things pretty much went downhill from there. Legolas's brother had recently taken a male lover, and Elrond had made quite clear his disapproval of such practices..." 


	2. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof  
  
****  
  
"I bet we could get him on it," Elrohir said suddenly.  
  
"What?"  
  
The others turned to him, wondering why he had that mischievous gleam in his eyes.  
  
"I propose a challenge. It should work best with teams, I think, two against two. The first team to cause Ada to turn his face purple with anger wins. Sexual tactics must be used." Elrohir grinned.  
  
Elladan felt that, as the oldest, he ought to oppose this. "It's the worst possible time--"  
  
"Never, 'tis the best!" returned Legolas. "Why, with my father here, and the Lord and Lady of Lorien, what should it be but brilliant?"  
  
Elrohir called out, "Teams with Elladan!"  
  
Estel threw a pillow at him. "That's sick!"  
  
"Well, it's not as bad as having to flirt with you," Elrohir shot back.  
  
Legolas separated them; "Get back in your kennels, girls." Estel and Elrohir whacked him with pillows.  
  
The four of them were relaxing in the twins' bedchamber before supper. A meeting was come of the three great Elven realms, giving the children of these realms a chance to get together and, though they were all grown, act like children.  
  
Elladan, as the others fought, had drafted up a set of rules, for although he voiced an opposition to the contest his heart longer to compete. "Listen, listen everyone! Listen, these are the rules: no kissing until tomorrow. No erotic touching until the day after. No intercourse under any circumstances."  
  
There was a round of laughter. "What about with Arwen?" Legolas called out. The other three pummeled him.  
  
"The contest begins at supper tonight!" Elladan shouted out. "And the pot...fifty each."  
  
"Thirty," Estel replied.  
  
"Forty."  
  
"Done."  
  
They pooled their money and stashed it all together.  
  
"First ones to cause Lord Elrond to lose his temper win. If he hasn't lost his temper by sunset on the third day, the game is up and funds go to Ada," Elladan concluded. They shook hands solemnly.  
  
"Shall we draw straws for choosing teams?" Legolas asked. This was duly agreed to and Elrohir produced four straws. Elladan drew first, and all breath was held. Everyone knew that if the twins teamed up they had an immediate advantage. Elrohir hoped that Elladan would pull the short straw and so choose first. Estel and Legolas hoped that Elladan would draw a long straw and choose last. But then, Elladan had seemed none too keen on kissing his brother.  
  
"Short straw!" Elladan called. "Elrohir. Will you be on my team?"  
  
"Sick!" Legolas exclaimed. "You're twins!"  
  
Elladan gave him a superior look. "Yes, we are. And it will drive Ada up the wall!"  
  
*  
  
At that very moment, Lord Erestor had been walking down the corridor and heard some rather disturbing talk. He paused long enough to gather the gist of the situation, his mouth agape, his horror rising with every word he heard spoken, then hurried off to tell Lord Elrond.  
  
"What shall you do?" Erestor asked.  
  
"I suppose I shall simply keep myself calm," Elrond answered thoughtfully. "Did you gather what the pot was?"  
  
Erestor shook his head. "Why does it matter, my lord?"  
  
"Because as my sons bet, should I fail to lose my temper with either team, all the money is mine. Ah, well. I suppose I ought to go and compose myself. This should be an interesting evening." Elrond strode from the room, grinning horribly.  
  
Glorfindel, who sat beside the fire, looked up from the book on his lap. "He will never outlast them."  
  
Erestor disagreed. "I think you underestimate Elrond. You are supposed to be his friend!"  
  
"I am his friend," Glorfindel answered, "but be realistic about this, Erestor. Those boys will finish him."  
  
"I do not think so."  
  
Glorfindel raised an eyebrow. "You did not babysit for them."  
  
Erestor felt his blood rising out of deep respect for Lord Elrond. "Pot of sixty and a third to the winning team!"  
  
"You're on!" The two shook hands solemnly.  
  
*  
  
"Is summat not right, m'lord?"  
  
Elrond looked up at the voice, though he needed not. Only one resident of Imladris had such strange vernacular, in spite of contrary influences. "Yes, Hazel, you might say," he answered. "Is it so blatant?"  
  
Hazel, the blue-eyed dreamer who worked as a stable boy (but only because no one had ever heard of a stable girl), leaned on her pitchfork and answered, "Oh, no, sir, not a'tall, only why else 'ud you be 'ere, eh? There's nowt for it a man visits his animals at unusual hours but that 'is mind's not at peace."  
  
"You are correct, Hazel. My boys are betting again."  
  
Hazel rolled her eyes, remembering the last time..."Sure'n they learned their lesson with that most unfortunate business those years ago?"  
  
"Aye. They have refrained for some years, 'tis quite something. Luckily none of them are in harm's way with this wager. They seek to cause me to lose my temper."  
  
Hazel chuckled. "Meanin' nowt but respect, sir, 't'ain't much like you t'keep anything--in especial that!--with those boys af'er it. They'll have your temper out if'n they want'it."  
  
Elrond looked strangely at Hazel. "Would you put money on that?"  
  
*****  
  
To be continued 


	3. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof  
  
*****  
  
Elladan and Elrohir traded glances. Where were Estel and Legolas? Why, they were so late to supper Elrond was likely to lose his temper simply by their tardiness! Just as Elladan was ready to suggest that he go and retrieve the younger boys, there came quite the commotion from the corridor and Legolas entered, his tunic inside out.  
  
"I beg your pardon for my lateness," Legolas said, bowing politely before sitting down in Estel's usual place.  
  
"See that it does not happen again," Elrond said. "But it is none of mine to accuse when my youngest is yet absent. Do you know Estel's whereabouts, Legolas, by any chance?"  
  
Legolas looked guilty. "Estel? No, why should I know where he is? I have not seen him, no."  
  
At that moment Estel did arrive, straightening his clothes as he entered, bowed, and apologized. He was invited to have a seat, then looked about. When he and Legolas had plotted their evening, Estel had not realized that the entire crew would be present: not only Elrond, Erestor, and Glorfindel as he was ready to be a fool before, but also Thranduil, Celeborn, Galadriel, and--oh, no! Lady Arwen!  
  
Estel's breath caught in his throat. He nearly lost his nerve, but then Arwen smiled at him and held up her hands, motioning: it's all right. Elrohir told me! And Estel could breathe again.  
  
"Ada," Estel said in his most whiny voice, attracting the attention of everyone in the room, "Legolas is sitting in my seat!" It was all he could do not to burst out laughing at this, feeling like an absolute child.  
  
Elrond, much to the surprise of the boys, answered calmly, "Well then you may sit in his."  
  
"Oh, thank you!" Estel answered over-enthusiastically, and sat himself down right in Legolas--not in Legolas's seat but on his lap! Quite a few eyes bugged at this gesture and more than one jaw went slack. Estel cuddled against Legolas, which Legolas did nothing to prevent.  
  
"Cheaters!" Elrohir hissed. Estel smiled ethereally, a habit he had learned from Lady Galadriel.  
  
As the meal commenced, in much the manner of newlyweds everywhere, Estel and Legolas proceeded to consult on every food item they took and put on their shared plate. Elladan and Elrohir felt their advantage slipping away, even more so when Legolas handled the cutlery and fed both himself and his puppy.  
  
Arwen covered her mouth to keep from giggling at this display, but mostly managed to focus on her own plate. Erestor and Glorfindel watched from the sides of their eyes discreetly. Elrond ignored the two, and the others followed his example. The twins felt much brighter. Estel and Legolas weren't earning any attention at all!  
  
"So, Elladan," asked Elrohir innocently, "how is...um...Mister Happy today?"  
  
At that Arwen really lost herself and spit a mouthful of wine into her napkin. Quickly she pretended to cough, covering for this mishap. "I do apologize, how embarrassing, I swallowed strangely."  
  
After an awkward silence, Elladan said, "My pony is in high spirits today, Elrohir, thank you for asking!" Seeing the questioning, amazed faces around him, Elladan realized that Legolas and Estel had truly paved the way for the twins by putting everyone in the right mindset. Speaking fondly of a creature, Elladan said, "My Mister Happy, my pony, has a mind of his own! He ran off and got himself caught up in that thicket of hazel near the north border."  
  
Elrond choked. "Hazel?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, you know, that thicket growing near the valley's lone poplar?" Elrohir asked. "Well, his little pony got himself into a bit of trouble thereabouts and, well, he has not been well."  
  
"And it's been quite the bore for Elrohir; he's spent hours and hours playing with his daggers out of sheer boredom!"  
  
Seeing his advantage waning, Legolas jumped in, "Yes, Elrohir, I had noticed your sword arm regaining much lost muscle. You must have been practicing quite a bit lately!"  
  
Unfortunately Celeborn lost his temper at that point, and quickly changed the subject. The boys let sit their discussion of the fictional Mister Happy, each making plans for the next morning, when kissing would be allowed.  
  
*  
  
Later, as Arwen lay sprawled on her bed thinking about the hysterical antics having just taken place, there came a knock at her door. "Come in!" she called out, suppressing giggles.  
  
"Arwen." Galadriel sat on the edge of the bed and spoke in a no-nonsense tone. "What happened at supper tonight? I know you understood. Tell me."  
  
Arwen sat up, tucked her legs beneath her, and answered honestly. She hated having her mind poked about at. "The boys have a bet going concerning who can annoy Elrond the quickest. They are using sexual tactics. It's all very amusing, isn't it?"  
  
Galadriel felt her eyes widen. "And you have no qualms with this? Arwen, what of Aragorn?"  
  
Arwen laughed. "Let him have his fun, that's what! He does not truly have those feelings for Legolas." When Galadriel gazed evenly at her, Arwen sobered. "It is only a bit of fun. There is no harm in it. I do not worry, for my faith in Aragorn cannot be moved by a game."  
  
Galadriel considered it. They meant no-one any harm..."I suppose it is truly Elrond I pity. They will have him over a barrel on this one! That Prince of Mirkwood is of such a mind..."  
  
"I think the twins will really get to him. They have home-field advantage."  
  
Galadriel narrowed her eyes. "How much are you willing to bet?"  
  
*****  
  
To be continued 


	4. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof

Author's note: This isn't a perverted chapter, it's just about bets being established. But it must be done.

Elladan and Elrohir looked up to see Arwen standing in the doorway. They traded wary glances: they might have been pervs, but they fought fair. Arwen's idea of fighting fair generally involved grabbing her opponent where it hurt and twisting until he gave in. Knowing their thoughts, she scowled. "It only happened once, over two thousand years ago."

"Whatever are you talking about?" Elladan answered, pulling a pillow over his sensitive areas.

Arwen grinned at her brothers. "You will never win," she told them.

On his guard, Elrohir asked, "Why not?"

"It's in the wording of the contract. Legolas and Estel have an advantage, here." She pointed, then explained. As she did the twins' faces changed to register shock, disgust, and, at last, defeat. "So you see, Legolas and Estel have an unbeatable edge on you."

Elladan leapt to save his chance at winning, strangely competitive. "How much must we pay you to keep this little secret?"

Arwen raised an eyebrow, falsely innocent. "Why, Elladan, that would be bribery and immoral. I only want to bet."

The twins agreed. At least they stood a chance. As for Arwen, she was certain Legolas or Estel would discover that little loophole by his own merit. They had better, for Arwen was skint.

...

"Galadriel, did you understand what went on at supper?"

"Not at the time, but Arwen has explained it to me." Galadriel paid little attention to Celeborn, more concerned with her braids. She knew how horribly her hair tangled if she did not undo the braids properly, and so paid more heed to her hair than to her husband.

"Well, what was it?" Celeborn asked. "Honestly, anyone would think those boys are children!"

Galadriel laughed. "They are, Celeborn. They have a bet running as to who will turn Elrond's face purple in anger using sexual tactics. Personally, I think Legolas and Estel will be the victors. The twins may be creative, but Estel and Legolas are far more bold."

"How can you speak against your own kin in such a way?"

"Celeborn! I hardly think blood is of great significance here."

"Blood is always of significance, Galadriel."

The Lady of the Golden Wood narrowed her eyes. "Shall we bet on it?" she asked.

...

The next morning, Celeborn walked in the gardens to calm his mind. How could he have bet? Should he tell Elrond? Yes, yes, that was the answer: tell Elrond, and call this sick game off.

Lost in thought, he did not see Thranduil until walking straight into him! "Good morning, Celeborn!" Thranduil said.

Celeborn disliked Thranduil very much, mostly because of all the energy that blasted king had so early in the morning. "Good morning," Celeborn growled.

"Oh," said the king with unusual perceptiveness, "bothered by your grandsons and my son and all of that? I heard about the betting from Erestor. Silly boy, that Erestor, horribly competitive..."

"Yes, I was worried about the boys," Celeborn admitted.

"Needn't worry! I know Legolas. If he wants to annoy someone, he will!" Thranduil chirped with total confidence.

Celeborn's eyes lowered. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?"

Thranduil considered. "Jolly good fun. Let's bet!"

As they shook hands, Celeborn wondered what was wrong with Thranduil and pitied all of Mirkwood.

To be continued

Hey, everyone! I'm sorry for the wait, but now I'm back from holiday and will (hopefully) have this finished before school starts. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Reviews are always appreciated.


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